Building Rapport

Rapport — the feeling of mutual trust and affinity — is something that many people take for granted but it is the key for successful relationships.

It is also the essential first step towards influencing people, the way they think and the decisions they make. But rapport takes time and skills to develop.

You can master the four ‘R’s of rapport building.

Relate, Reassure, Reinforce and React.


Relate: Make the connection

Rapport begins when two people meet for the first time and initiate the process of getting to know one another.

Remember that your appearance will create the initial impression. Your body language, the tune of your voice and the words you say must reflect one another. If they contradict each another, others will pick up on this subconsciously. People will be suspicious of you and mistrust will be embedded into the relationship.

On the telephone it is thought (by some sources) that our body language can impact the message. Yes, even though we can't see the person we are speaking with. Your telephone posture affects your body language. How much this percentage will change can depend on how your body language or posture affects your tone and the words you use. Some sources do not consider body language in the equation at all while communicating on the telephone.

According to various sources, the percentages break down for how messages are conveyed in face-to-face situations and on the telephone is as follows.

Face to Face

Body Language: 55%

Tonality: 38%

Actual words: 7%

On the Telephone

Body Language: 0 - 16%

Tonality: 70 - 86%

Actual words: 14 - 20%

One way you can begin to relate to people is to share their personal experiences. To initiate this ask open questions (who, what where, why, when, how, what do you think, tell me about).

You may have to offer one of your own experiences for discussion to open this line of communication. Be very careful here, the experience you decide to convey could be a subject that evokes negative feelings. You probably won’t know this person well enough to take this chance. Story telling is a powerful tool but an art in itself. If in doubt, leave it out.

Another rapport-building technique you can use is to find commonalities between each other. Ask questions about their needs, aspirations and hopes and correlate them to your own. Find the common ground.

E.G. “A similar thing happened to me …” or “I enjoy that, too.”

The ability to establish successful relationships depends on your perceptiveness your power to demonstrate positive energy and enthusiasm.


Reassure: Have a friend on the inside

Rapport begins to solidify when two people discover and acknowledge the things they have in common. This typically happens after meeting for the first time.

Give reassurance by being inquisitive and to listen for feedback from them. Active listening involves acknowledging hearing someone through various methods. Paraphrasing is a very powerful way to emphasise listening.

E.G. “So what you’re saying is…” or “That must make you feel great!”

When you use paraphrases, others feel understood. And when people feel they are being heard, they are much more willing to open up and share.

Body language can do this just as well. A simple nod, a smile or chuckle, good eye contact without staring. This can be augmented by occasionally omitting reassuring sounds, not too often though. Overuse of active listening will have the opposite effect and give the impression you not listening at all or you are being patronising.

Being with someone who ‘understands you’, ‘gets what you mean’, ‘has been there’, is very reassuring. Reassuring people makes them feel as though they have a friend on the inside.


Reinforce: Cement the bond

Rapport is established when communication between two people begins to reach its optimum potential.

Teach yourself to look for opportunities to reinforce people’s observations or build on their arguments.

E.G. “And here’s another reason I think you’re right …” or “I couldn’t agree more.”

Be careful not to become a ‘yes man’ or a ‘creep’, it will be noticed by others. This type of behaviour does not help in building relationships with people around you.

Mirroring is another technique you can use to make people feel more comfortable and reinforce their decisions. Developed by therapists, mirroring involves copying the other person’s body language, breathing and voice patterns to reflect them. It is based on the notion that people who are like each other tend to like each other.

You can mirror on the telephone too, tonality being the largest factor here. Listen to the types of words and language used. Much more difficult on the telephone is to gauge the breathing patterns.

When you mirror a person, they see a reflection of themselves in you. That reflection helps cement the bond between the two of you.

There is a fine line between mirroring and mimicking. If you use this technique it must be natural and relaxed. Badly executed you will ridicule them at best or come across as mentally deficient at worst.


React: Work the relationship

Once you establish rapport, you must work the relationship to crystallize the first three Rs. Practice these rapport-building techniques with people you already know and to watch for signs of improved relationships.

The way we communicate with others goes far beyond the words we say. Our attitude, body language, communication style and personal appearance are key elements in how successful we will be in practice. Every interaction with a person is an opportunity to build or damage our personal credibility.

Rapport building is a subtle art, one that must be acquired and practiced before it can ever be mastered. Its mastery, however, will pay off handsomely for you, because people find it difficult to say “no” when you have established rapport with them. You will find it easier to get people to comply with your ideas and suggestions. This opens the doors for you to employ your influencing skills.

For further reading, rapport building and many other forms of communication has been broken down, analysed and named N.L.P. (Neuro Linguistic Programming). Based in human psychology, this method has been credited in developing performance excellence in its practitioners. N.L.P. is the art and science of human communication.